“No Zain you can’t watch cartoons right now.” “No, don’t play the drums during Adil’s nap time.” “No, you can’t just wear a tshirt, it’s freezing outside.”
I spend a lot of time saying “no” to my three year old. Every time I say “no,” he digs in his heels and a battle of wills ensues leaving me exhausted and feeling like I should have given in and let him wear his pajamas to school or eat chocolates for breakfast.
I recently read an article called How to Stop Saying NO in Parents magazine that resonated with me. A mother’s three daughters were coming to her every two minutes with a new request and she said “no” barely listening. One daughter turned to her friend and said “my mom says ‘no’ all the time” which is when she realized she was a 24/7 “no” mom.
I realized that I was doing the same thing with Zain and I’ve made a conscious effort to change a few things. Here’s what’s worked for me.
When it comes to safety stand firm. I will always say ‘no’ when it comes to keeping Zain and Adil (my 4 month baby) safe. If Zain wants to jump off chairs, use sharp scissors, or go near the stove he knows that certain things will just simply not be tolerated. If explanations don’t work, many times I’ve had to physically remove him from the source of temptation. There should be no compromise when a situation can be potentially dangerous.
State the chronology of events: Zain is obsessed with Sesame Street and would watch it all the time if he was allowed to but his viewing is limited to an hour each day. Last Sunday, he demanded an episode before swim class. I quickly reiterated a few times that he would be able to watch his program. It’s important to emphasize to the child first that he will get what he wants, otherwise he may tune out and go into tantrum mode. Once I had Zain’s attention I explained the chronology of events. First breakfast, then swim class, and as soon as he came home he could watch an episode. There were a few demanding “ I want to watch it right now,” but I managed to get through to him and got him out the door. When he returned, he promptly asked for Sesame Street. Success!
A sense of control- Sometimes choices are the key to getting what you want. Even if your toddler is not in control they want to feel like they are. If Zain wears the same two tshirts every week and I want him to wear the other ten gathering dust in his closet, I’ll put them on a higher shelf so he can’t see them and let him pick out whatever he wants to wear from the others. Usually this works because it’s not really about the tshirt. He wants the power to make the decision.
Participation – I often end up telling Zain he can’t do things because I’m trying to get things done around the house. My solution now is to get him to participate in almost everything I do and once he’s part of the activity I face a lot less resistance. I need to get dinner on the table daily so whenever possible I try to get him to help. Sometimes there’s more of a mess or it takes a longer time but he enjoys helping out and we’re both happier at the end of it. For example, last week I was making homemade chicken nuggets and baked fries. He was allowed to help peel the potatoes, season the fries, and then put them on a baking sheet one by one. Yes, thrilling I know. Surprisingly, he was actually excited to do it.
Another challenging task was Adil’s bath time. Zain would always run off with his towel or try to pour water on Adil’s head. Now I’ve assigned him tasks. He’s responsible for helping to pick out Adil’s clothes, diapers, and during bath time to wash his legs and feet. As a result bath time is no longer chaotic and there’s a lot less shouting. These may seem like small things but because I have my toddler ‘helping’ with a lot of the housework, I say ‘no’ a lot less, and he feels a sense of accomplishment as well.
Obviously this isn’t a foolproof plan but there is really no magic manual that works for every child. When you’re working with adults, no matter how difficult they are, for the most part you can try to talk things out rationally. I’ve found it much more challenging to figure out the best way to channel the energy of my toddler who feels new emotions daily and doesn’t know how to cope with them yet. He’s also at the developmental stage where he is pushing boundaries so implementing a few simple strategies makes a world of difference. There are days where I still say “no” a lot but I’m happy that for the most part I can say “yes” much more.
