My son Zain was a pretty easy baby his first year. I would take him to play groups, meet friends, and for the most part he would smile, play, and allow me to enjoy the company of other mothers. At 18 months there was a transformation. All of a sudden there were melt downs, tantrums, frustration, exertions of independence, along with a myriad of other exhausting exhibitions of behavior, and they are continuing into his second year. He’s not a terror by any means he’s just entered the terrible/terrific twos depending if you’re a glass half full or glass half empty kind of person.  When I heard that a child consultant named Sylvia Ford was coming to his preschool to discuss tactics to navigate through this fascinating but often tumultuous year, I seized the opportunity to interview her.

Sylvia Ford has 37 years of experience in the field. She was a preschool teacher for ten years, has a masters in education, and is currently an expert that teaches both preschool teachers and parents of preschool age children.

TANTRUMS

Should you allow your child to have a tantrum and get it out of their system of actively set boundaries?          

Both. Give them space to be who they are but also know that it’s time to put in boundaries and limits and expect a lot of pushback! They do this because they become more cognisant about what they can do and very curious about what they’ve made you do (reaction). They are copying and mimicking behavior and they don’t understand that some things are dangerous and that there are limits. They get very upset because they don’t understand why we have to restrict them.

What are some specific things parents can do when the child is misbehaving?

I think that people waste way too much time thinking that they’re going to change their child’s behavior by explaining. I know we have to explain briefly, and simply, and repetitively. Kids need consistency in the words you use and certain actions.

Example – Telling your Child to Move away from the DVD player

Don’t waste time with lengthy explanations

If you’re telling your child to move away from the DVD player half of the problem is because you can’t move it. Telling that child why at two years old adds more excitement to the whole thing. You come over, you start explaining, you engage with him and he wants to do it again. He does it again and sees I’m upset. They see that being upset is part of a pattern and kids operate on patterns. Their brains follow repetitive patterns of actions (so they will continue to do the same thing because they will get the same reaction every time even if it means you’re upset).

Physically move them away from the device (Actions speak louder than words).

Physically move your child away from the device. This helps to lay down the neuro network for your saying to move away. It’ not safe to be over there. (or whatever mantra you choose). Over time as they grow older and they understand they follow those behaviors because you’ve created a pattern. You should always look at everything as a pattern. Look at what you’re doing and what takes place afterwards to identify the pattern. You can then work to derail the pattern. Again do not provide lengthy explanations but know that some explanation is needed that is brief and repetitive and that actions speak much louder than words. We have to set limits because toddlers won’t feel safe otherwise. Psychologically they need to know that you will change things if you really need to.

When do you have permission to be authoritarian in setting limits?

Safety of someone’s feelings even your own

Safety for any person’s body even your own

Safety for any property being damaged

Those 3 situations give parents complete permission to be authoritarian which means this isn’t going to happen and you may not give any explanation if it doesn’t help.

Many 2 year olds bite, scratch, and/or hit others. How do you prevent this?

Being preemptive and not using the word “No” too much?

A lot of time we say “no” way too much.  Instead walk over there very quickly and try to separate them and say “thank you.” If you can get there before the bite and separate them that’s the best case. The more you can get there before the incident, the more you lay down the neuro networks for not doing things like biting. Then you train them not to do it.

Dealing with the “Biter” once they have already bitten a child

If you say “no biting” they’re already charged up; fight or flight has already been activated once they’ve bitten that child. If you go in with a big strong “No” it doesn’t work. You should take the bitten child away first so the child can see the person gets cared for and also understand that the biter is feeling very weird. You don’t want to leave the biter feeling like that. Hold him in your arms and let him watch the other child being taken care of. Make sure you separate the children for at least 20-30 minutes before putting them back together. When you do bring them together again, take the biter’s hand and touch the victim on the shoulder and speak for the biter “are you alright?” That’s showing them how to say they’re sorry without us telling them “say you’re sorry.” Kids resent being made to say they’re sorry. If we say words to show empathy, sympathy then the child learns to internalize it. Psychologically they’re much more willing to say “are you alright” or “are you feeling better?”

Addressing a child that lashes out by hitting his parents

Don’t let your child hit you because if you let them then you’re teaching them that they can let other people hit them. Grab their wrists ‘Instead of saying no” which they won’t pay attention to say “Thank you. Hands down Please.” In a firm and authoritative voice and they see that you’re not happy from your expression but they won’t react to the “No.” Later when you do this repetitively. “We are not going to hit.” It’s because you’re doing it secondarily so it will be more effective.

So for all of you who are having to deal with exhausting tantrums I hope this advice helps and if not try to remember all the cute moments in between and the saying “this too shall pass!”